When social phobias attack... (._.)

To start... This is a typical scene for me. (._.)



What you see here is me standing exactly 19 meters away from the furthest person in the conversation, as my Mystitool reads. I'm not "hiding". I'm not "spying". I just can't bring myself to get any closer. At least... Not without a direct invitation. And, if I do happen to get an invitation, what's going to stop me from having an anxiety attack which drives me to leave? (T_T)

I'm telling myself, "It's okay here". (._.)

I'm telling myself, "They're happy to be unaware of me." (._.)

I'm telling myself, "If I get any closer, I'll just cause trouble." (._.)

I'm afraid. (T_T)

What I'm afraid of most is that my friends have gotten used to this. They think this is where I'm happy too. Over time, they've stopped noticing me. Or, they've grown to glaze over me since nothing is ever going to get better. (._.)

I'm still in therapy. One more week. I still can't value myself enough to simply walk up to my own friends. I've been like this since I was a kid. I came to SL to escape from it. I did for a while. But, after a year and a half, my old phobias crept back in and followed me to my virtual life. (T_T)

How do I take control of this? (T_T)

How can I bring myself to just walk up to them? (T_T)

If I can't, what am I supposed to do with myself. (T_T)

This stinks all mighty and I want out. The hard part is that it's my own head. How do I get out of my own head? (T_T)

Doggies in kidland =^-^=

Currently there's this one bloody thread in the SL Blogorum. It OP'd with a lady expressing her hatred for kid avatars. Though, her "hatred" wasn't really much more than annoyance over annoying people. Heck... Even kid avatars hate the kid avatars she describes. (^_^)

Of course, there's the typical run of chime-ins by people who want to spout about their false pretenses over pedophilia and such... And the people who still think there's some sort of political agenda in keeping kid AVs on the grid. Oh, and let's not forget the kid avatars who really do portray themselves as outspoken and positive contributing residents to SL (Waving at ya' Mari!) (^_^)

But, now we have teh trollzorz! Xd

Namely one Dogboat Taurog. Now, name alone tells me not to take this bugger seriously... Much like myself and that bloody "Sideways" name. =^-^=

But, here's the fun part: He's "CAMPAIGNING" for an all out ban on child avatars. Yes, the total "LOL WUT?" session, all the way. Apparently, he subscribes to the worst form of Association Fallacy known to man. The one that believes that he's heard remotely of one kind of person being bad so it's time to paint the whole community with a broad brush and somehow put them in their place. (^_^)

See... For one, he doesn't seem to care about any form of actual child abuse. Being that he hasn't mentioned any concern of that level at all. In addition, he won't even focus on sexual ageplayers. Lacking focus is a surefire way to fail at a goal. No. His target? The ENTIRE child avatar community. Oh, and for a moment, me along with it... You know, he directly threatened to AR me based on some speculative statement by someone parroting Prokkie's rantings of your's truly. =^-^=

So, now what? What's the hubbub? Why bother? (^_^)

Well... He's bloody entertaining. It's like prodding the village drunk and watching him stumble down the street. And, since LL's moderators seem to be asleep behind the wheel, the thread's able to trudge on without any resistance. (^_^)

It's times like this when I love delusional people. They make such entertaining toys. (^_^)y

http://blogs.secondlife.com/thread/27560?start=0&tstart=0

(Be sure to read the thread in "Flat" mode... "Threaded" mode will practically crash your browser.) =^-^=

Mincing words over words. (^_^)

In reply to a comment here:

A cuff is an extra layer of fabric at the lower edge of the sleeve of a garment covering the arms. In US usage the word may also refer to the end of the leg of a pair of trousers. The functional purpose of turned cuffs is to protect the material from fraying and, when frayed, to allow the cuffs to be repaired or replaced without major changes to the garment.

Cuffs may be made by turning back the material, or a separate band of material may be sewn on or worn separately attached by buttons or studs. A cuff may show an ornamental border, or have an addition of lace or other trimming.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuff

If Prokkie would just un-ban me from his blargh... Oh well. He likes being wrong and silencing voices of dissent. (^_^)y

Land ownership, fairness, and you. (^_^)y

I'm just reflecting on what I've been reading and responding to on the SL Blogorum lately. (^_^)y

All land in SL is privately owned. That is to say, the servers are property of Linden Research, Inc. and are occupied by land holders who have funded the establishment, use, and support of the resources the virtual land takes advantage of on the servers. None of which is public domain or a matter of funding beyond the 'owner', tier payer, or premium account holder. (^_^)

That said, it's simple; My place, my rules. =^-^=

I'm seeing post, upon post, upon post from people crying foul over being parcel, sim, and estate banned. More than half aren't even asking for a solution. They're just spouting off at the mouth about how "unfair" or "unjust" their ban is... To the point of sounding like they have some sort of "right" to be somewhere and as if they deserve the privilege by default. (=_=)

Well... Sorry to break it to y'all. But, you ain't entitled to go everywhere. Deal with it. (=_=)

Land owners spill a bunch of money, work, and effort into the land they own. So, they're the ones who deserve the break when it comes to the spending of the resource they've earned. Each and every sim you visit is just that... A place you're visiting. You're the guest. With or without a gracious host, you're subject to being a welcome guest or shown the virtual door. Anything you say, do, appear to do, be, or appear to be; can and will be used against you. (^_^)

There is no "justice". Just like there is no "justice" for someone poorer than me deciding to take up camp in my garden shed. The same rule is extended to our little digital parcels placed here before us. (^_^)

At the same time... Don't drag the Lindens into your little pissing matches. The TOS/CS states quite clearly that Lindens won't get involved in resident disputes. If you're at a loss over what that means, think of it this way; Did the OTHER person violate the TOS/CS? If not, you're on your own. =^-^=

There are thousands of regions to see in SL. If you cant get to a dozen or so, who bloody cares? There's always somewhere else. And, if there's nowhere else, buy your own land and ban the world back. (^_^)y

Does Anon Deliver?

As a result of an event I was ejected from (in under 30 seconds... can you say ‘guilt by association’ boys and girls?) I wasn’t able to be part of a discussion over anonymous avatars. (=_=)

Well, Bleagh! I guess I can say what I want here. Instead of offering and accepting feedback, I'll just get on my soapbox and lecture on the subject. Sound fun? Here I go! XD

To start... About 5 people know “me” in SL. Meaning, they’ve seen my real life picture and/or have heard me on voice or have even seen the Youtube video I tossed a link to. One of them knows my first name. Beyond that, I’m rather anonymous. I like it that way. When faced with questions, I have a few easy answers I like to give. =^-^=

· How old are you? – I’m “old enough”. =^-^=

· Where are you from? – I live under a giant cookie jar in a park filled with teddy bears and strawberries. (^_^)

Even my non-RP avatar has a story. As I get closer to people I do give out more details, but, only after I believe they care. Sometimes I say things too soon and it freaks people out. But, meh, I can deal with that. (^_^)

What’s so good about being anonymous? Honestly, I don’t know. I guess, because people know me for who I am in real life, I have something to lose here. Any facet of my personality that deviates from ‘common decency’, ‘social norms’, or ‘the will of the mob’ is potential cause for the destruction of my life and liberty. And, everything crosses someone’s line. This is where anonymity comes in. (^_^)

I’ve said many times that my avatar is my me that’s more “me” than I can be, myself. Well, it’s true. In real life I’m 6-feet tall, 220-pounds, and considerably unattractive. Surely, not the kind of person you’d want to be walking on the same side of the street with. That would be fine, if my personality were a hulking thug. But it’s not. (=_=)

Instead, deep inside, I’m a bubbly, giggly, hyper, and considerably childish brat. I’m the kind of person that could run up to a stranger, bite them in the kneecap or torment them with a raspberry or a “nyaa~nyaa~” and run off just as randomly. I have a wisecrack comment for just about everything and my brain is usually working overtime trying to find ways to screw up a perfectly civil conversation without angering anyone. (^_^)

But... Well... I just can’t get away with stuff like that in the frame I was forced into by fate. (T_T)

If I were to behave that way in real life, I’d probably be subject to harassment, people getting really freaked out, being ostracized, and maybe even arrested. Mostly I’m at risk because such behavior is very unusual for someone of my physical makeup. Heck... I see people who behave like that all the time and it’s rather depressing to know that I can’t be like them. I have too much to lose if I were to ever attempt it. (>_<)

But, in SL, I don’t have to be a giant. I can be the cute little scamp I visualize myself to be. And, nobody has to know me. The actions committed by my avatar are an extension of my real “me” and are unhindered by the concept of any real life repercussions that may come as a result of them. In a flight of fancy I can do, be, see, and make myself whatever I want to be. Most of the red tape has been cut. I’m able to be “me” among all without the real life depiction of myself getting in the way. (^_^)

Am I happier because of it? Sure. There’s a good reason why I set aside 3 to 4 hours a day with my fingers tap-tap-tapping away at my noisy Das Keyboard in my darkroom. Being anonymous has allowed me to be me in ways I could have never imagined possible. Allowing my personality to mesh with the virtual has allowed me the freedom from fear of retribution over my actions. I’m able to make and break myself with what are basically non-destructive characterizations of my self. Contrary to what my spell checker says, I did mean to put “my self” instead of “myself”. XD

In the non-anonymous real life world I exist in, my self is a removed entity from what my true nature is in order to address what I have to lose due to my place in society. In the anonymous virtual world I exist in, I see the real me. If that 4th wall were to ever break down, I’m afraid I may break with it. Being “me” is an experience I enjoy greatly and fear losing. All I can do is hope this lasts. (^_^)y