Thursday, February 11, 2010

'A face only a mother could love' syndrome

It’s an old saying. “He/she has a face only a mother could love.” That is to say, the person is ugly, plain and simple. But, what does this say about the mother? Being a mother, she loves unconditionally. The ugly child is her child and hers alone. So, mother will sacrifice everything in order to love her child. Even if it means raising a person that looks like undercooked pizza. (>_<)

What am I talking about? I think I’m making an example of my friendships. (T_T)

I have a group of friends. People I’ve known for about two years. While everyone else has come and gone, they’ve stuck around. Here’s the part I’ve never understood, though... Why? (>_<)

Anyone who has seen me inworld or on the forums sees that I have all the charm of a badger with a lit firecracker up its butt. I’ve never been exceptionally creative or smart in any way. I’m very self-centered, normally forgetting things like rez days and even names. I rarely if not never give anything away. I never give gifts. Holiday or not. (>_<)

At the same time, I tend to distance myself from them. Not that I want to, I just see that my place and role is more that of the unseen spectator. My presence usually impedes conversation and activity. At the same time, my distance is creepy and annoying. But, I can’t just go away. I like being around them. (T_T)

It’s like catch-22 for me. (._.)

So, over the past month I’ve distanced myself again. The reaction this time has been a full blackout. They’ve all placed me on ignore in Gtalk. A few aren’t logging on when they know I’ll be on. Since I scrubbed them from my friends list as part of the process I don’t know when they’re on and they can’t find me. (._.)

Why did it turn out this way? I think I have an odd trust issue. When I don’t know people and they’re not blindly complimenting me, I feel like I can trust them to no end. But, as time goes by, I see people that stick around and I start to question their reasoning. Have they grown attached enough that they’ve become blind to my failings? Have I made it impossible for them to seek out other friendships? I begin to liken my relationship with people to that of a parasite. I wind up demanding too much attention from too few people. The only solution I see is: remove the infection. (>_<)

So, now, one or two of them ask when I’m willing to change and come back. I fear their reaching out to me is some sort of masochistic urge to re-enter the same old cycle again. I feel as though it’s not my place to interfere with their time inworld. But, catch-22 again, if I stay where I’m at they’re disrupted by my absence... If I return to friendship again they’re disrupted by my presence. But, like a mother, none of them will admit that I’m any kind of problem… Or at least they’re not telling it to my face. (T_T)

So, here I am, giving a handful of SL residents hell and no easy way out. I don’t see a positive outcome from any option I think I have. Should I go back, be a friend again, and restart the cycle? Should I maintain my limited distance which probably disrupts them just as much as my presence? Should I disappear completely and find new friends? Should I do something to seal a negative opinion of me so that they’re not bothered by my absence? Are they bothered by my absence at all? (>_<)

These are all nice people. I can’t assume they don’t have more friends. It would be very arrogant of me to assume that they depend on me for anything. At the same time, I like them. I don’t want to be alone but I also don’t want to be trouble. I don’t really have anything in common with them. At the same time, I’m interested in the things they do. I’m just too afraid to engage myself and generated fear in the others who are afraid of how I’ll react to every word they say. I can’t imagine them actually choosing to live with that. (T_T)

I want friends. But, it seems to me that I’m simply not meant to be around people. Should I accept the place I’ve been put in? Have I worn out my welcome? Is the mass-ignore pretty much the message I need to go away? Should I accept that I’ve gone too far? (._.)


AntoniusMisfit said...

"But, as time goes by, I see people that stick around and I start to question their reasoning. Have they grown attached enough that they’ve become blind to my failings?"

No, people who've grown attached to you despite your failings aren't blind to them, more likely they've simply accepted them as a part of you. That's what real friends do, and I think you may have lost sight of that. To put your trust issues to rest, simply ask them if they want to keep you as a friend. If they answer no, then at least you know and are free to seek out new friends.

Everybody needs and deserves friends. Even those with the charm of a badger with a lit firecracker up its butt. ;)

Lady-Succubus said...

There is a positive outcome possible. Return to your friends. Forget about the negative consequences you think you may be causing.

People stick around because they, as AntoniusMisfit said, have accepted your faults and see them as a part of you. In fact, your biggest fault isn't what you may think it is--it's your desire to distance yourself from everyone.

Your attempts to distance yourself don't just hurt yourself as you seem to believe, it hurts those you're distancing yourself from, more than just about anything else you can do to them (if you killed them it'd probably be less painful).

Sure you may think you have a face only a mother could love, but so what? You have your "mothers." They like you. You don't try to push your mother away just because you think you're paining her with your ugliness. Keeping with the mother metaphor, and reiterating my previous point, what do you think the mother would do if the child just ran away, saying that s/he was too ugly to be around?



P.S. You didn't take in a single word of that, I'm guessing. Oh well.

Imnotgoing Sideways said...

I'm trying. I'm going to rely on all this input to better understand what I need to do and who I need to be. (T_T)