Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Happy birthday to who? (O.o)

I spent a bit of Monday touring the SL7B sims. I checked out Unexpected Childhoods, the RHN display, and of course NCI. (^_^)

I did notice a bit of a reduction in lag for the places that didn't have as many avatars. People are getting used to the idea that not every texture has to be alpha-glow-shiny-of-death. (^_^)

The overall continent is as expected. Everyone's there showing their community or their artwork. Almost like an annual tradition, nipples are causing controversy again. So, it's yet another SL birthday. (^_^)

There's one island that got to me, though. SL7B Bear Island. (>_<) Yes, I know it's fun to collect Linden Bears and such... I have quite a few myself. But, there were some things there that really hit me as tactless flubs, considering recent events. (._.)

To start... Blue. (._.)

It felt very strange to see a roughly down-scaled version of Blue Linden's avatar being presented there. Especially considering the avatar, himself, is no longer in existence due to a downsizing of LL's staff. (._.)

Then camming around the other bears...

Really? (T_T)

I know the feeling of being laid off of work and the idea that my own effort or image would be presented along with such a gag would hit hard. (>_<) Really, it was almost enough to ruin the whole tour of the place. I almost lost interest in visiting any more 7B related builds. Seeing so many bears representative of the good people of Linden Lab who were off'd by staff reductions was just such a downer. Especially the ones who used their inworld AVs so often and engaged the community to improve, explore, and expand SL to what it is today. (>_<)

Visiting the place just left me cold. (._.)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

I'd like to think I can still have close friends... (._.)

... But, it seems like all the disasters start once I become close to someone. (._.)

I've had friendships in SL for over two years now. Each of them being someone totally different from the others. Some come and go. Others are IM-only affairs. While others I've grown to depend on for direct companionship. The problem is, I'm afraid I depend on them too much. I'm asking for too much attention from too few people. (._.)

I may seem open, but, I'm deathly afraid to approach people. I can talk to strangers, but, only after they approach me. I have to drive myself very hard to be able to approach another. There are very very few people who have ever seen a friend request from me because I'm simply too afraid to be so bold as to offer the invite. (._.)

If all things... Frigg'n Immy is shy. (T_T)

At the same time, I'm quite lonely. I depend on group chats and crowded events for my company. I cling tightly to anyone I can connect with in fear that I won't see them return if we ever part ways. Every day is my last. If I miss the opportunity to be with the people I like now, what other opportunity will I get? (T_T)

Of course... I obsess. I expect too much. Someone TPs me over and asks me to keep them company and all I find is idleness. I can't handle idleness. There's one problem... (T_T)

[2010/06/13 21:37] Imnotgoing Sideways: I'll go to bed.
[2010/06/13 21:37] ** **: Hmm already?
[2010/06/13 21:38] Imnotgoing Sideways: What else could I do?
[2010/06/13 21:39] ** ** : Keep -- occupied while I poke my head in and out
[2010/06/13 21:39] Second Life: ** ** has offered to teleport you to their location:

... only to confront this...

Its not that you have problem generating [fun], its that you seem to need a constant stream of activity.

When most others are content being idle.

So, upon accepting a teleport in order to "occupy" someone, I'm told that I'm trying to be too active. To me, that comes as a "sit down, shut up, be seen, and not heard"... It hits hard.

I've been told this far too often. While being told to not worry, that I fit in, and that everyone is 'okay' with me... I also get descriptions of the the how and why I don't fit in. To me, it's a matter of actions speaking louder than words. And, it grates on me. It drives me to the point of meltdowns where I do a ton of stupid things. (._.)

So, here I am... In the middle of another meltdown. Alone, scared, cold, and bored. Wasting my Saturday by walking around in circles and infrequently peeking at the agent count in my sim to see if there is anybody I can send my camera to just in case there's something to watch. (T_T)

In wanting to be active, I've become idle. In wanting to be social, I've discovered a pattern of self isolation. I don't know the way out.

I want friends.

I want to know what it means to have friends.

I don't want to be like this.

I don't know what to expect or not to expect. I don't know if I can handle the mixed messages I get. I want friends, but, I don't know how to be a friend. I can chat with people I don't know at all just fine. But once they get to know me, something goes haywire. Is it simply because they finally see the kind of person I am? Have I crossed any lines or reached any points of no return? I wish I knew. I wish I could know. (T_T)

I'm not smart enough to understand what the heck is going on. And, at this point, all I ever get are confusing half-speeches that I'm left to decipher or "not twist" into something I can't possibly understand. At this point, I'm alone. RL and SL. In both places, I'm in a dark room. In both places, I'm afraid to venture out. In both places, I'm in utter fear that I'll have another meltdown again.

There's nothing I can do.

I'm losing everything.

There isn't much left.

I don't know what I've done.

I don't know what to do.

Sunday, June 6, 2010


I'm getting very sick of what I've turned into lately. I'm pulling my hair out. My friends are pulling their hair out. Heck, even people who don't like me are trying to figure out what's going on.

I know what I want to do with myself. But, I lack the strength. I need something. A trigger? A catalyst? I don't know what.

I spent a lot of today on my drums (in RL) beating the crud out of them. My ears are shot for the rest of the day. I finally downloaded Cage The Elephant from Amazon and I've been listening to In One Ear over and over.

I'm trying to get the message.

I know my friends want me back. I want me back too.

How do I come back?

What direction do I go?

I need Need NEED to get out of this funk.

I'm frigg'n Immy!!!

I can be the biggest little crud on the grid if I just get my head together.

But, what's going to be the catalyst? How am I going to get my confidence back? Where did I go so wrong and how can I put that behind me?

Working on this.

Hating myself for killing the Emoticons. Finding delays when I backspace them out of chat.

Going to go say "Hi" to someone on my friends list now and see what comes of it. I'm rarely that bold.