Saturday, June 19, 2010

I'd like to think I can still have close friends... (._.)

... But, it seems like all the disasters start once I become close to someone. (._.)

I've had friendships in SL for over two years now. Each of them being someone totally different from the others. Some come and go. Others are IM-only affairs. While others I've grown to depend on for direct companionship. The problem is, I'm afraid I depend on them too much. I'm asking for too much attention from too few people. (._.)

I may seem open, but, I'm deathly afraid to approach people. I can talk to strangers, but, only after they approach me. I have to drive myself very hard to be able to approach another. There are very very few people who have ever seen a friend request from me because I'm simply too afraid to be so bold as to offer the invite. (._.)

If all things... Frigg'n Immy is shy. (T_T)

At the same time, I'm quite lonely. I depend on group chats and crowded events for my company. I cling tightly to anyone I can connect with in fear that I won't see them return if we ever part ways. Every day is my last. If I miss the opportunity to be with the people I like now, what other opportunity will I get? (T_T)

Of course... I obsess. I expect too much. Someone TPs me over and asks me to keep them company and all I find is idleness. I can't handle idleness. There's one problem... (T_T)

[2010/06/13 21:37] Imnotgoing Sideways: I'll go to bed.
[2010/06/13 21:37] ** **: Hmm already?
[2010/06/13 21:38] Imnotgoing Sideways: What else could I do?
[2010/06/13 21:39] ** ** : Keep -- occupied while I poke my head in and out
[2010/06/13 21:39] Second Life: ** ** has offered to teleport you to their location:

... only to confront this...

Its not that you have problem generating [fun], its that you seem to need a constant stream of activity.

When most others are content being idle.

So, upon accepting a teleport in order to "occupy" someone, I'm told that I'm trying to be too active. To me, that comes as a "sit down, shut up, be seen, and not heard"... It hits hard.

I've been told this far too often. While being told to not worry, that I fit in, and that everyone is 'okay' with me... I also get descriptions of the the how and why I don't fit in. To me, it's a matter of actions speaking louder than words. And, it grates on me. It drives me to the point of meltdowns where I do a ton of stupid things. (._.)

So, here I am... In the middle of another meltdown. Alone, scared, cold, and bored. Wasting my Saturday by walking around in circles and infrequently peeking at the agent count in my sim to see if there is anybody I can send my camera to just in case there's something to watch. (T_T)

In wanting to be active, I've become idle. In wanting to be social, I've discovered a pattern of self isolation. I don't know the way out.

I want friends.

I want to know what it means to have friends.

I don't want to be like this.

I don't know what to expect or not to expect. I don't know if I can handle the mixed messages I get. I want friends, but, I don't know how to be a friend. I can chat with people I don't know at all just fine. But once they get to know me, something goes haywire. Is it simply because they finally see the kind of person I am? Have I crossed any lines or reached any points of no return? I wish I knew. I wish I could know. (T_T)

I'm not smart enough to understand what the heck is going on. And, at this point, all I ever get are confusing half-speeches that I'm left to decipher or "not twist" into something I can't possibly understand. At this point, I'm alone. RL and SL. In both places, I'm in a dark room. In both places, I'm afraid to venture out. In both places, I'm in utter fear that I'll have another meltdown again.

There's nothing I can do.

I'm losing everything.

There isn't much left.

I don't know what I've done.

I don't know what to do.


Rinoa said...

I think I have an answer finally, SL users of whom we can have a decent conversation with, may prefer text chat over voice because of the level of chat that actually tends to happen in voice, (such as you and me and many many more), Tend to seek more stimulation than SL alone cant give, be it by being creative, multiple external activities (including sport or hobbies).

To many of us, the people that spend all their entire lives on SL and possessing an ability to focus on a fancy chat program or game for hours on end without getting fidgety, (the sort of people that could just as easily waist away in front of a TV), well they do exist. Like you they get irritated by idleness, however they will dart away from a conversation if the chat doesnt come thick and fast even if it has to come in abriviated in TXT speek or filled with spelling errors, prefering Voice over typing... such is the level of "their" chat that many of us avoid it, (Including yourself to some extent I believe), such is the concequence of trying to maintain a constant conversation, the quality of the chat falls through the floor.

Here I reference elements of the rest of that Log you sent to me via email as I see them as key. As you've stated, you've come to SL to "stop being a vegetable", somewhat messy of an aim, I'm still trying to prove to those around me that my being on SL is in ways actually productive and not just me being a "vegetable" myself,... ahem.. but an aim it is anyways, and based on what I heard of your past before SL it seems rightly so, to an extent.

I'll say this now, SL alone wont graduate you from being a "vegetable" either you go into a state of constant incoherent conversations, or like others who have been here a while and found themselves wanting, EXPAND on it... I reference another quote from the same log to which these extracts belong. "...don't be Idle". I hate being idle, I to float around seeking activity from SL, I go to waterhead, Doll Works, various populated locations... etc. If I dont get a conversation within 5- 10- maybe 15 mins, I either up and go somewhere else, perhaps explore, perhaps window shop (something I love to do a lot). If it's a place I can usually expect people I know to come by eventually if I wait, I often choose to idle SL in the background and seek stimulation elsewhere, be it a video, or game, or book, I may even switch off even for just half an hour and just generally focus on something else for the time being since i know SL isnt going to get me anywhere for a while. On all these things I KNOW most are generally the same.

...Also note that it is quite unfair to ask someone to stop doing something they've already started while they were idling themselves before hand, not that I'm saying you do... but people in the past have demanded this of me (and at the most inconvenient of times too).

AH, let us not forget that SL also runs an IM system, equal to that of the local chat system... well until 2.0 anyway. with this system, without a doubt, and we've all fallen victim to it and been swayed away from conversations by it... the term IM zombie is a common one and it's found throughout SL regardless of the sort of company you keep.

A special case for me, of which to someone who clears their friends list frequently unlike myself, this most probably wont happen, however this does quite frequently happen wierdly as it sounds, I have old friends who have taken a break from SL (forced on them or by choice) come back and send me a happy IM to catch up with lost time with a friend they havent talked to in a while. Regardless of conversation I have in Local Chat, I'll ween myself away from it for that reason, I dont feel I should need to explain why I'm prioritizing this IM over their chat but that's how it goes.

Rinoa said...

This is me though, to expand on the previous note... note that I stated that IM is pretty much equal with Local Chat in the whole range of things, and many find it hard to REALLY focus on many chats at the same time... some can maintain a lot of chats at the same time (that is to say have a number of running conversations without being confused or something like that) but in these instances expect delays, you may not realize they are in IM (though it should be obvious by now). Dont be offended if others are having another conversation at the same time as having one with you (again not blaming you of anything... actually I'm probably a bit guilty of that one), unfortunately it's just the way of SL, ...Oh, and on that note, it's also that particular persons answer to "Then don't be Idle". she too found a way to deal with the intermittent appearances of the very same person who called you there.

Your idle activities dont have to be the same, but it helps to have other things to do nearby (such as a book or the like... start a forum topic, "when you arent on SL you... ?" and see what others have chosen to do in their idle time, such a forum topic shouldn't be seen as radical and you dont need to have a reason stated for it, or be serious, just make it something fun).

Anyways to truely conclude this wall above... and a wall I guess it really is, your path to "de-vegetablism" shouldn't stop at SL, it was much more capable before because of the newness factor, the excitement of exploring, finding new things and sharing them with others often as new as yourself (and to those that had been there a while like yourself now who have settled and no longer explore as much). Basically the fact that you're bored so often on SL quite literally screams that you have a desire to expand beyond the platform to which in this case was once upon a time above the place you once were. I'm not saying to actually leave SL, but seek other stimulating mediums to use in your spare time or idle time... people can give you suggestions of those but generally it's up to you to decide the direction you go from here.

well I think I've said enough on this matter... I think my touch typing improved slightly in the writing of this message (^' ^;)'>

teddlesruss dat who! said...

I can only say this: "To thine own self be true." Friends are good to have, but don't you go changing just to keep friends... Friends are important, but the right friends are paramount. And the right friends like you as you are. %)

That said, I've always found that with the right kind of friends I've kind of known when I was kind of "mildly annoying" them, and steered myself away from those traits. As long as the changes I made felt positive to me. If I felt that I needed to change negatively in order to stay cosy with a friend, well, it's easier to forget a friend than it is to be untrue to myself.

I've not been able to get into SL for almost two years now, because of a bandwidth-starved connection - but some of the friends I've made have accepted even a "virtually virtual" me and stay in touch with me on FB, by blogs, email, and IM.

So stay you. (Or not - you don't have to change to my expectations, unless you want to.. %)

Brinda said...

I'll call you =^..^=

Alec Windlow said...

Well I don't have anything like the comprehensive theories above, except to say that many people appear to use SL (and the people within), as an expedient entertainment device, when they probably ought to go buy an Xbox instead.
Avatar cries of "Come and entertain me, cos I'm bored and it currently suits my needs" is an instant 'Bugger off' for me, on principle alone.

I see you got your emoticon mojo back too. Cool.

Dale Innis said...

Maybe you have unrealistic expectations for what's "supposed" to happen once you have a friend? I mean, what's supposed to happen? It seems like whatever it is isn't happening, and that upsets you. Maybe it would help to write down what it is that you're expecting, what kind of whatever would *not* make you feel like "oh no they've discovered what I'm really like".

Imnotgoing Sideways said...

[20:30] ** **: Then you're incapable of ever being anyone's freind

There's nothing left of me.

I may just to back to the isolation I lived in before SL.

Nothing remains.

Dale Innis said...

Either that person was saying something for the sake of argument (like "well, if you can only be friends with perfect people, then you're incapable of being anyone's friend"), or they were just being jerky and should be ignored.

You're definitely capable of being friends with ppl. I promise!

Imnotgoing Sideways said...

The scariest part is that I know they're happier without me. (._.)