Saturday, February 13, 2010

"Face" redux...

I've had a conversation with my closest friend yesterday... In varying degrees. Both inworld and out. It sounds like the bulk ignore was her idea. She's a bit worried that I took the issue to the forums. She considers just about everything I do out here as some sort of self abuse. (>_<)

To me, the forums are the places I go to talk to people when there's nobody else to talk to. Given time zones and other peoples' busy lives, I turn here often. (._.)

She's very disappointed that I'm asking people to do the thinking for me... Moreso that I'm using people that don't all like me. She's worried that I'll focus on the negative messages and use them to further reinforce my "anti self" point of view. (>_<)

[2010/02/12 6:08] ** **: You need to learn not to over analyze your happiness
[2010/02/12 6:08] ** **: Otherwise you make things all crumbly

She has demanded that I request friendship from everyone again and gave me a few names to add on top of that. For the ones I've known to go online, I think they've all accepted. Still, I need to work out how to behave. (T_T)

It may be nice to have a collection of names on a friends list, but, how do I be a friend? I really don't know what part of spending time around me is a positive experience, so, the value of having me around is lost on me. It's this thinking that usually drives me to a panic. (>_<)

So, what I think I've done now is hit the 'reset' button on things. I'm afraid we'll enter another calm before another storm which will eventually lead to the same outcome all over again...

[2010/02/12 6:09] Imnotgoing Sideways: How does this stop?
[2010/02/12 6:10] Imnotgoing Sideways: How can i stop?
[2010/02/12 6:11] ** **: It's hard to say Immy
[2010/02/12 6:13] ** **: You need to believe in yourself a little more you know
[2010/02/12 6:13] Imnotgoing Sideways: That's extremely difficult.
[2010/02/12 6:14] ** **: Modesty is all due and well but you should recognize as ** put it somewhat, you're quite loved by the community
[2010/02/12 6:15] Imnotgoing Sideways: Why do I feel like it's unearned?
[2010/02/12 6:15] ** **: Because you're a bit like me
[2010/02/12 6:15] ** **: anything you do that others seem as "special" to you just feels "normal"

Anyway. Here I am. Loaded friends list again and working on re-working my profile again. I thank you all for the feedback. Please continue to say what's on your mind if you wish and forgive me for being so bold and obtuse about my stupid little drama. (T_T)

For me, right now, counseling is not an option. I'm sure the time, money, and insurance is there. I'm just not willing to take my life down the path of "professional intervention". Call me stupid for saying so. That's just where my mind is set. Excuse me for being hard headed. (>_<)

I'm still in a state of panic at this point. I don't know how to approach, act, behave, or present myself to people right now. I'm still over-analyzing my place in the scheme of things. I'm working this out. I'm trying. I want to be a friend to my friends. (._.)


porfirio said...

It's good to question yourself. This is a way to avoid arrogance. The trick is to not focus exclusively on the negative and allow yourself to see the positive. If you think you've handled something badly ask yourself how as well as why, and accept the conclusions you come to. The conclusions you come to will change over time. Use them. You'll always be unhappy with some aspect of yourself, it's unavoidable. Let yourself see the parts of you that you're happy with. Soften your focus and look at the world through the rose-coloured glasses now and then.

Brinda said...

Hi Sweety...Still in India for one more day and had no I-Net since early last week...guess I missed a bit. {and wont be in world till likely Monday PM SLT}
My memories either a boon or a bain {starts with a "B"}...I remember the first time I met you... Sutherland Dam. And you initiated the chat {which didnt last long haha}.
While we've never been "close" you have given me information thats been helpfull when ive asked.
So often your posts here make me laff...and thats a gift.
I once read that the best way to get a friend is to be a friend.

So often everyones so busy chasing the "whats in it for me?" thing.
It a lot easier for me to be a lot more open and trusting here than in RL...and has bitten me. but what with an exchange rate of 265L$ to $1US...its easier to swallow the occaisional assxxxx.

I have a RL friend that has a postit on her PC screen that says...."STOP THINKING SO MUCH"... just, "Be Here Now!"

Brinda said...

HeeeHeeee caught you telling a lil fib Immy....I'm sitting in an I-Net cafe in Delhi and just started with this post before I read "a face only a mother" etc.

Actually two...Hmmm...cant remember?
Your friendship....
and a Christmas Card....

{Sorry to have to blow your cover}

and watching badger butts on fire is kinda fun occaisionally

Dale Innis said...

Random huggles! Thinking too much is a pain. I don' think I am one of the friends that are close enough that you're all spinning about what to do about, but from my friendly-acquaintance viewpoint you are nicer an' saner than most. I don' see anything that would make having you as a frien' be a problem...