Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Where I am

I have been married for nearly 12 years. I have been an introvert for far longer.

Within the first two years of my marriage, I had to quit the band I was playing bass in, quit my job with the guitar shop, give up any frequent visits with the two people I still considered friends since leaving high school, convert to Catholicism and get baptized, and generally relegate my life to things that allow me to be 'in touch' at all times.

My only escape was work.

My only retreat was business trips.

I went on a trip to China last week. But, something different happened this time. I made a friend. A very smart, attractive, and nice friend. A friend who wound up deeply disappointed to discover that I was married. A friend, none the less. We're still chatting on Skype... Time zones allowing.

With that, I think I've discovered the difference between being alone and being lonely.

I'm not free yet. But, I am making changes. Eventually, the life I'm living must come to an end somehow. I want to escape. I need to escape. I not only have my own wall to break down, but, there's an additional barrier put up by my spouse which is the real nightmare.

I still don't know exactly what to do. I've had many friends and co-workers tell me "just get out". But, it's easier said than done. Though, last week's events have helped my confidence. I think I have the energy to free myself. I just need to know what to do and how to do it.

I've been in the cage so long. Even if someone were to open the door for me, I'm afraid I've lost awareness enough to actually step out. What is the move to make? What are the words to use?

I'm working on it.


eloralunasea said...

Immy, having been there too, if you ever want to talk - feel free to get in touch.

Brinda said...

Sometimes quickly...sometimes slowly.
A life lived as yours has been so far, always finds a way to be free.

You will be free...

I see it much as having an indoor cat...as long as that cat never goes outside, it's a happy creature.
You have now tasted the outside...
you will now be an outside happy creature!

Welcome to the real world Immy.

Ghosty said...

You get a lawyer. You get an apartment, and you move out. THAT is what you do.

I've been in situations like yours, Immy. I'm not sitting on a pedestal, I'm telling you from experience: if you do not leave, you will continue to experience the influence of this person, and after 12 years I imagine your spouse knows just how to push the buttons that will get you to stay. And, like the music store and the band and the friends and your religion, it will be what your spouse wants, and not what YOU want.

Once you're in your own space and in your own bed and under your own roof, you can plan the next steps. It's not going to be easy, not at all. But if you want freedom, it is exactly what you have to do.

Brinda said...

@ Ghosty...Yup.
First steps are scary...but necessary.

Immy..we can't help physically, but we do have your back emotionaly.

Imnotgoing Sideways said...

This is probably me being hard-headed, but, why do I have to be the one who moves out? It's my house and my furniture. I have more musical equipment than can fit in an apartment and to have to pay for the whole mess plus storage would drive me to ruin.

The organ comes tomorrow. It will be the catalyst. I'll get this right, I'm sure of it.

Natsuki said...

hugs for you Immy