Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Self inflicted exile

Out of all this drama over the whole NCI, Caledon, Prokofy, Liasblue... Thing... I've become quite ruined. I've expended more emotional energy than I had available to respond to all the lies about me. I've dealt with hate, slander, personal attacks, and attempts at character assassination. I refuted and rebutted the lies against me. I stood up for what I believe in. Now, I fall.

NCI survived the drama. The community has gone on, unchanging, with only some minor hiccups in operations and a separation from Caledon, as announced in a few outlets by both parties.

I, on the other hand, have become a monster.

Rinoa Rives is my friend... My best friend... And, my vocal supporter on the forums.

I was her friend. But, I have become a monster. I have exiled myself inworld and have made myself very unapproachable. I hide, in my basement build, only responding to IMs and group chats. What time I've spent outside has been usually hiding one sim away from Rin with my camera on her, raging upon myself for not being worth enough to give her company.

As a result, I dropped her from my friends list... Again. This isn't the first time I've done it. It may as well be the last. I've fallen so far, I don't even think I'm worth the effort to try and bounce back again. I'm out of control. The lies have gotten to me. The accusations have gotten to me. I'm in a pit.

And, what's my reaction? I get the one person who gave me the most vocal support and burn her. I get the one person on the whole grid who I care for the most, and I toss her out like trash. She dealt with a barrage of opposition in trying to support me. What reward does she get in the end? A barrage of abuse from me, who she was trying to support.

What's left of me? I have my place. I've been put in my place. I keep my place. I've put a chair there now as a reminder of where I deserve to be. I'll still address people in IMs and support and work for NCI. But, me? I'm already dead. I'm just not meant to be around people.

I ask for too much attention from too few people. As a result, my friends list is extremely short. Once you get to know me, you learn to hate me. I think it's the people that hate me are the ones that know me best.

So, I keep my place. It's safe here. As long as I don't move, nobody gets hurt.

This is a good thing.


Dale Innis said...

Oh, c'mon! :) Don't give one lunatic so much power over you. You reacted honorably to dishonorable attacks, you did nothing wrong yourself; you have nothing to be ashamed of. A pit can be a good place to relax and recover in solitude for awhile, but don't tell yourself it's because you're unworthy. That's just a little sliver of the bad guys that's wormed its way into your head. Examine it, toss it out, and when you're rested come out again and dance. You are nice. :)

Brinda said...

Immy...if you lose.
I kno I posted this to you before..maybe really look at it this time.

Live your life so as never be ashamed no matter what is said about you....even if it's not true.